Processing Service

So, my wife was leaving for work today and on her way out she checked the mail, as she does every day... but today there was a business card taped to our door, it says "TROY SALAZAR'S PROCESSING SERVICE"


Then under that it says "I HAVE SOME COURT DOCUMENTS THAT NEED TO BE DELIVERED PLEASE CONTACT ME AT 971-998-9027 TO ARRANGE DELIVERY AND REFERENCE

FS#9089"

The 9089 is hand-written, meaning that's my own special case number.

But...processing service? Who is serving me? With what?

So! I called him! And there has been no answer so far... however... when someone shows up at your house and leaves random business cards, its your right to call them back over and over and over and leave them many voicemails. This gives me some freedoms for some zany hijinks.

I can't even count how many messages I've left for him. I'm guessing that was the 7th message I just left.

In the first message I was rough cuz my wife had just cussed me out and stormed out, I was like "Troy. This is 9089...why were you at my house? My number is blahblahblahetc."

But then, as I got to holdin this business card for a while and seeing as how I'm not really having that great of a day anyway, I called him back and I was like "Troy! My boy! This is 9089, What's happening dude!? You were at my house :D Why were you at my house man? Call me back, my number is yadda yadda" Very friendly and chipper and upbeat.

Then I was like "many roflcopters can be had if I progress into a form of manic madness while calling him" so in the next message I'm like "TROOOOY!!!(very excitedly) This is 9089! What's happening?! Why were you at my house? I looked at your card and it says you're a processessing service, does that mean you want to serve me papers? Like do I have to go to court?(starting to sound worried now) What have I done? When people have a problem with me they just tell me...I've never had someone pay someone else to talk to me, I'm friendly.. I try to be nice to everyone. Who wouldn't just call me or talk to me in person? Call me back, my number is lolololololol!"

And then I was thinking that the happiness should slip away completely. In the next message I sound tired and drained "Troy... this is 9089... I'm really worried... call me back... you know my number........"


And theeeeen I decided I should call him back. ROFLCOPTERS IN THE SKY CUZ MY SIDES ARE IN ORBIT. "Trooooy, my maaaaan.. my booooy! I have anxieties! You have given me anxieties! Why is any of this happening? Why won't you answer your phone? Why won't you call me back? I mean, it's been like 30 minutes, what are you doing that takes this long? You just show up at my house, put stuff on my door, and now I want to know 'Why is any of this happening?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!'

And thennnn... "Troy man I have major anxieties! I saw you were at my house and now I can't sit down, I'm so afraid of what's gonna happen..why would this happen? Who can't just talk to me like a man? We coulda solved this without you, why are you even involved? How do you know me? Why can't you call me back? I won't be able to sit down until you call me back, I've been pacing for 50 minutes now calling you over and over... why won't you answer? why won't you call me back? why was there a card on my door today? Who do you work for? Who do I owe money to or whatever? please answer...please...please....please cal me back...please...what is happening? Why is this happening? WHAT HAVE I DONE?! IM FREEEEAAAKKKIIING OUUUUUUUU*click*"

I can't think of anything to say/do that I haven't already said/done so I stopped calling him... if anyone has any ideas of things to say/do with this voicemail that will put my sides in orbit go ahead and suggest it.

call him infinitely so his brain explodes

I saw Hectic's post and had to put the plan into action. The very first call guess who answered?

YO BOY TROY!

He informed me, very friendly like, and while laughing, that I'm the craziest person he's met in 8 years of doing this job. High score, bishes! Turns out he has a hospital bill for my wife, poor guy. I apologized to him in my last message, that he was stuck doing this job where he leaves stuff on people's doors and then they call him and leave him messages.

He also informed me that he's having a bad day too, and that strangely enough my messages cheered him up and made him laugh a lot. He said he's gonna find the best ones and save them and if he's having a bad day he'll replay my messages and it'll cheer him up.

Winning.

mission failed. how does it feel

*high five*

Omg that was beautiful. Those are the best kind of prank calls.

The Doc wrote:
He also informed me that he's having a bad day too, and that strangely enough my messages cheered him up and made him laugh a lot. He said he's gonna find the best ones and save them and if he's having a bad day he'll replay my messages and it'll cheer him up.

Winning.

Nice.

Tat's voicemail message makes me laugh.

"alex ain't on the phone, LAUGH"

shred wah guitar wrote:"alex ain't on the phone, LAUGH"

ahahahaha no

then i know what i'm changing my voicemail to

shred wah guitar wrote:then i know what i'm changing my voicemail to

It would be quite strange if you made your voicemail: "alex aint here, LAUGH."

They'd be like: "I was tryna call shred wah guitar, but i got some dude named alex. I hope he eats his hat this weekend. That'd be p hot."

i'd replace alex with my name ofc

hiddeninthecrowd wrote:i'd replace alex with my name ofc

Ky-Ell The Second
this started off as being about you deliberately mispronouncing your name on your voicemail message but ended up being about giving you an adequate rap name

NinjaLucario188 wrote:

The Doc wrote:
He also informed me that he's having a bad day too, and that strangely enough my messages cheered him up and made him laugh a lot. He said he's gonna find the best ones and save them and if he's having a bad day he'll replay my messages and it'll cheer him up.

Winning.

Nice.

Tat's voicemail message makes me laugh.

Yeah, he sounds like a little girl, it's so cute. For anyone who doesn't know, Tat's Voicemail hasn't been changed in around a decade. Not only does he sound like a girl, but he also didn't know how to stop the recording, so you hear him calling his dad like

"dad, how do stop the recording?"
"press pound"
"pound? what's pound?"
"the number sign"
"what? oh"
*click

that sounds pretty funny actually

hiddeninthecrowd wrote:that sounds pretty funny actually

It's hilarious!

On the topic of my phone, I got a new one today.
This is my ring tone.

You best not change your voicemail tho, I hear its a classic :)

TaliesinRising wrote:You best not change your voicemail tho, I hear its a classic :)

i might have to, unfortunately.

Someone should record kid-tat's voicemail for collector's value. We can put it in our time capsule... Hey, that'd be a neat name for the archives.

Dr R wrote:Someone should record kid-tat's voicemail for collector's value. We can put it in our time capsule... Hey, that'd be a neat name for the archives.

I've recorded it. I dunno how to do that though.

One of my friends is like 16, almost 17 IRL and the other day I called him but he didn't answer so his voicemail picked up for the first time ever. O M G.

He says he was in 5th grade when he recorded it, and I damn sure believe it. He's got this deeeeep voice nowadays, but his voicemail is like an 8 year old girl going "I can't get to the phone, leave me a message and I'll call you back."

I even mentioned in my voicemail to him that he sounded like a little girl... I even called back immediately after and put it on speakerphone so my wife could hear it, we were crackin up.