It's Lonely Here

In the potato tree.

i was going to tell you to get out of my pubes but than i remembered that i wasn't a potato

Well you know what they say, where there's a quail there's a badger

Rahvin wrote:Well you know what they say, where there's a quail there's a badger

And where there's a badger there's a snake? They say that?

SirPwnington wrote:

Rahvin wrote:Well you know what they say, where there's a quail there's a badger

And where there's a badger there's a snake? They say that?

No no no, everything else seemed so random so... I figured I'd throw in a random comment. I figured about not answering you, but I realized you really might be confused about that being an authentic American quote.

The badger and the quail is actually a short story I wrote about my roommate falling in love with my wife's best friend... without further adieu:

The Badger and the Quail
by Rahvinmetsu


The badger woke from a deep slumber, hungry and crabby. He always started his day like this, so for Badger this was nothing out of the ordinary. His phone lay on the chair next to the couch he lived on, and it had been alerting him every hour that he should wake up soon. Why did he set the alarm for every hour instead of the usual 5-15 minutes? Because that’s what badgers do and Badger was a badger, and a darn good one.

The Cat family let Badger sleep on their couch and one day Mrs. Cat invited her friend Quail over. Quail was small, funny, and flamboyant, and Badger found himself uncranky very quickly, but what could Badger say to Quail that would impress her? Nothing! Badgers don’t know anything about impressing Quails, its kinda against nature. It makes sense for a badger to love a quail, because quails are cute, but badgers are badgers, and not usually attractive to…well anything but badgers.

But Badger was determined to make this work for him! He got Quails number and texted her day and night for at least a month, trying to build his relationship with her in a context that wouldn’t be ruined by his hideous appearance. This would have been charming except Quail never once wrote him a message back.

Badger wasn’t sad though, he was born a badger after all, he’d been putting up with this kind of treatment all his life. Besides, Badger liked women who gave him the cold shoulder and treated him poorly! So Badger figured out what to do, he’d call his friend and set things up quickly.

“Sounds good.” said Badger and hung up the phone with a click. This would surely get Quail’s attention in a good way! He knew where Quail lived, he’d followed her home one day and taken pictures of her making food in the kitchen, so naturally he would seem very comfortable and at home. A badger that feels at home is a happy badger, and standing around outside Quails home idly was extremely familiar to badger.

Badger sold his hole in the ground and bought Quail a file to sharpen her claws, but Quails don’t have claws, that’s badgers, so Badger sold the file. He tried to buy his hole back, but a new family of Groundhogs had just taken residence. Badger was distraught, so he did the only thing he could think to do: he cried.

He wept tears of sadness and grief because he could not make Quail love him. He thought of the doves he had fallen in love with before, and the many times he’d been homeless because he’d given everything…EVERYTHING for these birds.

Finally the package came in the mail, the one he had ordered weeks ago on the phone, and he tore the packaging open. If there’s one thing badgers can do, its destroy things they shouldn’t. For instance, the brown wrapping paper was good to destroy, but the wedding dress underneath was not. Now the dress he was going to present to Quail was too ripped.

Just then, Quail walked out and saw Badger standing there with a heart-broken look on his face. She stopped and asked, “But Badger, What makes you cry?”
And Badger said honestly, “You make me cry. I stand out here in the blazing heat of the day, with the sun cooking my fur. I stand out here in the cold of night with my only friends, the stars. I knock and I knock but you never let me in.”
Quail looked taken aback and said she had not noticed his attempts to enter her house, and that he wouldn’t technically fit inside the house because he is a badger and her house was smaller than his head.
That night Badger noted that Quail was home 30 minutes later than she normally was. She said she had been out with Chipmunk at the Flamingo’s party. It was legend that Flamingo threw THE BEST parties. Badger was sad that he hadn’t been invited and began tearing at things around him. He hissed and snapped involuntarily at Quail and scared her half to death.
Sadly, that was the last night Quail associated with Badger. He took his nail file and his wedding dress to the top of the tree Quail lived under and he stayed there for three whole days. The Cat family tried to talk him down but he was silent with sadness and grief. He filed his nails once more, put on the wedding dress, which he now realized would have been 20 times too much dress for Quail, and stabbed the file through his heart.
For one small moment in Badger’s violent creepy life he was happy. He saw Quail below him as he fell out of the tree, and as his vision faded he could have sworn he felt her soft feathers beneath his lips. A squeek and a puff of feathers is all that remained of Badger or Quail. And to think…he was afraid he was smothering her BEFORE.
****************

It's not a masterpiece, but its fun because all of those characters are people I know irl :)

Continuity Error: Badger shouldn't sell his nail file early on. I was drunk and didn't edit my story :P

Woah fucking epic, that........isn't what happened IRL is it? D: