I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown right about now

So it's the weekend, but not for me. see, after a week of school flooded with projects, I went to work. Yesterday, friday. I went immediately to work after school working from 3 to 10, I got home and went to bed at 11. Today I spent literally all day doing a project, and now it's 8:40 all of my friends are at a party without me, I can't go. I'm frustrated because I'm so tired of working that I can't work anymore, and I'm literally too depressed to play videogames or masturbate or anything, so I'm stuck at my house, alone, with nothing to do. I want to get out of my jail of a house because I can't be myself when I'm at home and I can only act close to myself when I'm with friends. Being with my friends relieves a lot of tension in me, and since I can't do that, I'm about to break. I'm also expected to go to church tomorrow (I'm atheist, btw) and balance the sound while the band plays. Oh, and I have several projects that I need to spend all day working on tomorrow, and then school resumes next week. The biggest thing that is wrenching my nerves is that I'm a transgender pansexual living in a homophobic home, so I am literally dying inside. I want to fucking cry.

Walk, I didn't know any of that about you. I'm so sorry you're overwhelmed with a bunch of crazy shit, that must feel so bad :( Especially considering you're transgender pansexual living in a homophobic home... Church must be the icing on that cake..

It'll be summer soon, and then you'll be relieved of all of your stupid school stuff, but that still won't help that you have to freakin work your ass off to live in a house that wouldn't accept you for you if you told 'em. :(

What kind of job do you do?

Damn man, that sucks. The best thing you can do is soldier your last year in high school and then move a few hours away for college so you can transgender pansex anything you want. One year isn't too long.

walkinator wrote:So it's the weekend, but not for me. see, after a week of school flooded with projects, I went to work. Yesterday, friday. I went immediately to work after school working from 3 to 10, I got home and went to bed at 11. Today I spent literally all day doing a project, and now it's 8:40 all of my friends are at a party without me, I can't go. I'm frustrated because I'm so tired of working that I can't work anymore, and I'm literally too depressed to play videogames or masturbate or anything, so I'm stuck at my house, alone, with nothing to do. I want to get out of my jail of a house because I can't be myself when I'm at home and I can only act close to myself when I'm with friends. Being with my friends relieves a lot of tension in me, and since I can't do that, I'm about to break. I'm also expected to go to church tomorrow (I'm atheist, btw) and balance the sound while the band plays. Oh, and I have several projects that I need to spend all day working on tomorrow, and then school resumes next week. The biggest thing that is wrenching my nerves is that I'm a transgender pansexual living in a homophobic home, so I am literally dying inside. I want to fucking cry.

I have a minimum wage job working with a bunch of militant homophobes, they also have a no long hair policy, so yeah.

My antidepressants aren't doing shit for me right now.

Shit, dude. I'm not good at saying comforting things or advice, but at the very least if you need to vent more about shit like this we'd all be willing to lend an ear.

Wow, that is really shit. :c Would there be any major consequences for at least ditching the church thing?

Walk, we really care about you homegirl.

I'm sorry you had to be here all alone worrying about shit, but remember, your options are open regardless of how HS goes. Unless you plan to go to Harvard or some shit you'll be fine. You can even still redeem yourself in college to go to Harvard. I can help you find resources for educational assistance if you need, so that you can get through college regardless of HS results.

I'm more concerned about your situation of not feeling at all comfortable in your body or at home...that's what really matters right now. Have you tried talking to your parents/other family about this transgender pansexual thing? I don't think the pansexual part needs to be brought up, its nobody's business who you're attracted to, or not attracted to, but your gender role in society is important. To be denied the freedom to be yourself can cause you anxieties, which are closely related to depression, they usually go hand in hand. And we certainly don't want you depressed.

I would say ptero's idea is decent, move away and live your own life...then when people want to check up on you, you will be more comfortable being the real you and more confident in what you feel.

Call me if you need to talk past this. I don't really have much to say other than what has already been said, but if there's anything else, feel free to call.

Hey, I'm sorry you feel this way and all. It sucks you couldn't go to the party; we missed you.

Don't forget that we're all here for you, and we're not going to go away, no matter what you're going through. If you ever need to talk I and everyone else will be there.

Thank you so much everyone. This is much appreciated. I just came out to my mom about being transgender and she obviously didn't like it, but she said she loves me anyway. I made sure to wait for a time when she was in a really good mood. I'm so relieved that she didn't want to send me to a bible camp. So, yeah, now I'm really happy. I don't know when I'll be able to get T blockers, but I hope it's sooner than later.

walkinator wrote:Thank you so much everyone. This is much appreciated. I just came out to my mom about being transgender and she obviously didn't like it, but she said she loves me anyway. I made sure to wait for a time when she was in a really good mood. I'm so relieved that she didn't want to send me to a bible camp. So, yeah, now I'm really happy. I don't know when I'll be able to get T blockers, but I hope it's sooner than later.

Did you ever play the game dys4ia? A friend of mine says that that game really helped her through some tough times. I didn't find it to be particularly happy to play through, but I can see the positive message it's trying to infer.

I'm glad that your mom was able to understand where you in your life, and where you'd like to go from here. I hope you're able to start some HRT and get started on feeling comfortable with who you are.

Good job coming out, that must have been a scary situation for you, but you champed through it like a boss.

Oh, yeah. I've played dys4ia before, but that was when it came out and I didn't even really know what transgender people were at the time because I'm kinda sheltered. I'll play it again.

"I'm about as manly as a Square Enix character."
I lol'ed

Pointed Stick wrote:"I'm about as manly as a Square Enix character."
I lol'ed

I knew you would, that's why I put it there. I played Dys4ia again, I'm not gonna lie, it scares me. I don't want to cry at everything I hear. My parents aren't ready to treat me like a daughter, they may never be ready. Somethimes it seems as if my mother has been making an extra effort to speak of me as "him" or "he" or "son" more often than usual now.